I Wish You Would

I wish you would talk to me more.

I wish you would acknowledge me more.

I wish you would know me more. 

I wish you would laugh along with me and not just brush it off, as if it was a slip. 

I wish you would actually make an effort into making whatever this is work. 

I wish you would realize all the hints I'm giving. 

I wish you would wake up and see that you're actually hurting me. 

I wish you would care for me, like I do. 

I wish you would be the one feeling all of this, instead of me. 

I wish you would disappear into thin air, so I can easily forget you. 

Something

I'm lost for words.

I'm not sure on what to do

Or feel.

But,

what I want is

for you to feel

how I feel.

Because right now,

I'm tired

of doing

whatever it is

that I'm doing

to achieve something

that I believe

you won't give to me.

And I'm tired

of believing that

you care about me

when there's a possibility

that you don't.

It breaks me

to even think so,

but what can I do?

I'm just like any other

human being

in this ratchet world.

Lost in confusion.

Lost in love.

Lost in something.

Lost in everything.

Without realizing

that we're actually lost.

That we're actually

dying on the inside

by overdoing,

over-thinking,

and over dosing

the amount of confusion

we have of

the things that

are going on

around the world,

around us.

Style

You're here now, giving me your company as I go through my day. It may seems like its nothing, but to me, its a sign that you actually care. But, because of this, I'm scared that I might fall into that dark abyss called, love.

I've been in that abyss before, a couple of times. I didn't enjoy them one bit, and yet, I can't seem to forget them. Because in the end, no one was there to pull me out; help from the darkness. Because  in the end, they all left me there, or even on one occasion, I left myself there.

This time, I'm about to fall into that dark abyss again, and I'm holding onto a thread that might decide how my dear heart will end up. Broken? whole but with a few scars? or loved?

The thing is, I don't want whatever it is that's happening. I'm fighting a-what seems to be losing-battle that will end in the next three months. Plus, I don't think he's completely there. It may seems like he is, but I know that he isn't. It is painful to have such thought, but hey, I'm just a hormonal teenage girl who also has feelings of her own.

So, if he isn't even there to begin with, why am I still falling? why do I still ache for his company every day?

If he won't stay in the end, why should I even bother?

Fatigue

The fatigue I'm feeling is, incredibly frustrating. I'm both tired and frustrated in doing something I want to do, and yet I hate it. Partly, because I started to realize that this 'something' maybe isn't really worth all the time that I'm wasting to actually gain something out of it.

Because right now, it feels like I'm gambling with time. Like, what if I ran out of it, and in the end what's become of it is just a big mess? Even if I am playing all the right moves, something might just happen and ruin it all.

It's very tiresome, when you feel like all your efforts are in vain; you get nothing out of it each time.

Sometimes, I'd like to just stop what I'm doing and move on to the next big project, that might actually benefit me. Since, all this effort I'm putting into it is for nothing, why not just leave it behind when I have more time for it?

Well maybe, deep down, I know that it might actually be worth it in the end, but I have to wait for that sweet outcome. Of course, everyone's not a big fan of waiting, especially when they're tired of trying.

The fatigue is truly unbearable, but if he's worth it, then why not?

A Thing About You & Love

The way you smile just melts my heart in a split second. 

That contagious laugh of yours, echoes in my ear. 

The way you goof around sometimes, makes me feel like we're back in time, in our childhoods. 

The way you look at me sometimes, makes me wonder whether your eyes sparkle the way mine does whenever I look at you.

Whenever I admire you. 

We did hit it off twice back in those days, but somehow we ended it off, got mixed up in our own feelings. 

I blamed it all on you, but I finally realized that it was both our fault. We rushed into things, created some dramas, and ended up with a fight. 

I moved on, at least I've tried, and now it hurts me to hear you say that we're just friends, when obviously I want us more than that. 

Maybe, I'm just not ready for love. 

I Love You

He wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled his nose close to my neck. I giggled, feeling all ticklish about it. His raspy laugh filled my ears, as if on cue, the butterflies erupted in my stomach. It felt like spring and summer combined. 

He held me close, my back facing his chest. He whispered something funny which caused me to laugh. "I love your laugh, it's one of the things I love about you." He whispered again, this time I could feel a smile on his face. Then. he turned me around so I could face him. He touched my cheeks softly, then pinching it feeling how chubby they were. I stopped and went to the kitchen.

He followed me and grabbed one my hands to spin me around, as if we're dancing. He opened the refrigerator which let its light emit the room. I laughed at his reference to one of Taylor Swift's song, All Too Well. 

He released my hand, but before he could do anything else, I ran to our little balcony. It had the view of the city. It was a wonderful view, especially considering it was night time. Even though there were lots of city lights around, I could see some stars shining on the night blue sky. 

I was surprised when someone lifted me and spun me around. When it finally stopped, I looked at this person, it was him obviously. He had a goofy smile on his face which earned a laugh from me. He hugged me closer then whispered, "I love you." 

He kissed my lips softly, capturing the moment even more. When the kiss ended, I whispered, "I love you more. Thank you for being my best friend and the one I love." 

He nodded and hugged me closer. At that moment, I felt complete. He was my flaws and I was his. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

For anyone to say those 3 special words,

I love you.

A Few Words To End The Night

In life, you have to know who are your allies and foes. You can't just act obvlious around your foes and let them fool you, bring you down. Everybody has their regrets, wanting to go back and change their past. Obviously, they can't. Unless you have a time machine.

Even if you knew who your allies and foes are, you might be wrong. You can never know who you can trust, until you've known them for years. If you throw your trust away amd expect them to trust you back, then you must be gambling. Or you might just be drunk.

The next thing you know, you're lost in this big world. First of all, you don't know whom to trust. Second of all, you're alone by yourself. And last, you've lost hope of living. You start to think, "why should I live my life anyway, I don't have anybody to relate to".

These past few days, I've been considering the exact same thought. If you don't know me, then hear me out, let me explain it for you: 

"How does it feel to be given looks by someone you haven't done anything wrong to?" 

"How does it feel to have no support from the ones you love?"

"How does it feel when you're trying to improve but someone else beat you to it?" 

"How does it feel when you have thousands of negative thoughts in your head?" 

And most important question is,

"How does it feel when you slid a sharp razor on your skin?" 

If you can answer those questions and have the same answers as I do, then congrats, you're not the only going through the same shitte problem alone.