I Wish You Would

I wish you would talk to me more.

I wish you would acknowledge me more.

I wish you would know me more. 

I wish you would laugh along with me and not just brush it off, as if it was a slip. 

I wish you would actually make an effort into making whatever this is work. 

I wish you would realize all the hints I'm giving. 

I wish you would wake up and see that you're actually hurting me. 

I wish you would care for me, like I do. 

I wish you would be the one feeling all of this, instead of me. 

I wish you would disappear into thin air, so I can easily forget you. 

Something

I'm lost for words.

I'm not sure on what to do

Or feel.

But,

what I want is

for you to feel

how I feel.

Because right now,

I'm tired

of doing

whatever it is

that I'm doing

to achieve something

that I believe

you won't give to me.

And I'm tired

of believing that

you care about me

when there's a possibility

that you don't.

It breaks me

to even think so,

but what can I do?

I'm just like any other

human being

in this ratchet world.

Lost in confusion.

Lost in love.

Lost in something.

Lost in everything.

Without realizing

that we're actually lost.

That we're actually

dying on the inside

by overdoing,

over-thinking,

and over dosing

the amount of confusion

we have of

the things that

are going on

around the world,

around us.

Style

You're here now, giving me your company as I go through my day. It may seems like its nothing, but to me, its a sign that you actually care. But, because of this, I'm scared that I might fall into that dark abyss called, love.

I've been in that abyss before, a couple of times. I didn't enjoy them one bit, and yet, I can't seem to forget them. Because in the end, no one was there to pull me out; help from the darkness. Because  in the end, they all left me there, or even on one occasion, I left myself there.

This time, I'm about to fall into that dark abyss again, and I'm holding onto a thread that might decide how my dear heart will end up. Broken? whole but with a few scars? or loved?

The thing is, I don't want whatever it is that's happening. I'm fighting a-what seems to be losing-battle that will end in the next three months. Plus, I don't think he's completely there. It may seems like he is, but I know that he isn't. It is painful to have such thought, but hey, I'm just a hormonal teenage girl who also has feelings of her own.

So, if he isn't even there to begin with, why am I still falling? why do I still ache for his company every day?

If he won't stay in the end, why should I even bother?

Fatigue

The fatigue I'm feeling is, incredibly frustrating. I'm both tired and frustrated in doing something I want to do, and yet I hate it. Partly, because I started to realize that this 'something' maybe isn't really worth all the time that I'm wasting to actually gain something out of it.

Because right now, it feels like I'm gambling with time. Like, what if I ran out of it, and in the end what's become of it is just a big mess? Even if I am playing all the right moves, something might just happen and ruin it all.

It's very tiresome, when you feel like all your efforts are in vain; you get nothing out of it each time.

Sometimes, I'd like to just stop what I'm doing and move on to the next big project, that might actually benefit me. Since, all this effort I'm putting into it is for nothing, why not just leave it behind when I have more time for it?

Well maybe, deep down, I know that it might actually be worth it in the end, but I have to wait for that sweet outcome. Of course, everyone's not a big fan of waiting, especially when they're tired of trying.

The fatigue is truly unbearable, but if he's worth it, then why not?