A Thing About You & Love

The way you smile just melts my heart in a split second. 

That contagious laugh of yours, echoes in my ear. 

The way you goof around sometimes, makes me feel like we're back in time, in our childhoods. 

The way you look at me sometimes, makes me wonder whether your eyes sparkle the way mine does whenever I look at you.

Whenever I admire you. 

We did hit it off twice back in those days, but somehow we ended it off, got mixed up in our own feelings. 

I blamed it all on you, but I finally realized that it was both our fault. We rushed into things, created some dramas, and ended up with a fight. 

I moved on, at least I've tried, and now it hurts me to hear you say that we're just friends, when obviously I want us more than that. 

Maybe, I'm just not ready for love. 

I Love You

He wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled his nose close to my neck. I giggled, feeling all ticklish about it. His raspy laugh filled my ears, as if on cue, the butterflies erupted in my stomach. It felt like spring and summer combined. 

He held me close, my back facing his chest. He whispered something funny which caused me to laugh. "I love your laugh, it's one of the things I love about you." He whispered again, this time I could feel a smile on his face. Then. he turned me around so I could face him. He touched my cheeks softly, then pinching it feeling how chubby they were. I stopped and went to the kitchen.

He followed me and grabbed one my hands to spin me around, as if we're dancing. He opened the refrigerator which let its light emit the room. I laughed at his reference to one of Taylor Swift's song, All Too Well. 

He released my hand, but before he could do anything else, I ran to our little balcony. It had the view of the city. It was a wonderful view, especially considering it was night time. Even though there were lots of city lights around, I could see some stars shining on the night blue sky. 

I was surprised when someone lifted me and spun me around. When it finally stopped, I looked at this person, it was him obviously. He had a goofy smile on his face which earned a laugh from me. He hugged me closer then whispered, "I love you." 

He kissed my lips softly, capturing the moment even more. When the kiss ended, I whispered, "I love you more. Thank you for being my best friend and the one I love." 

He nodded and hugged me closer. At that moment, I felt complete. He was my flaws and I was his. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

For anyone to say those 3 special words,

I love you.

A Few Words To End The Night

In life, you have to know who are your allies and foes. You can't just act obvlious around your foes and let them fool you, bring you down. Everybody has their regrets, wanting to go back and change their past. Obviously, they can't. Unless you have a time machine.

Even if you knew who your allies and foes are, you might be wrong. You can never know who you can trust, until you've known them for years. If you throw your trust away amd expect them to trust you back, then you must be gambling. Or you might just be drunk.

The next thing you know, you're lost in this big world. First of all, you don't know whom to trust. Second of all, you're alone by yourself. And last, you've lost hope of living. You start to think, "why should I live my life anyway, I don't have anybody to relate to".

These past few days, I've been considering the exact same thought. If you don't know me, then hear me out, let me explain it for you: 

"How does it feel to be given looks by someone you haven't done anything wrong to?" 

"How does it feel to have no support from the ones you love?"

"How does it feel when you're trying to improve but someone else beat you to it?" 

"How does it feel when you have thousands of negative thoughts in your head?" 

And most important question is,

"How does it feel when you slid a sharp razor on your skin?" 

If you can answer those questions and have the same answers as I do, then congrats, you're not the only going through the same shitte problem alone. 

Revenge

Even though it's been quite a long time after you ended a bond with someone, somehow you still have that special place in your heart for them. You still care for them, but you don't want to. All those unwanted feelings are there for a reason. It doesn't matter how hard you try to forget all those memories, it'll still be there in your mind flashing by in a certain time.

If you get judged by this, then they're have no rights to do so. They don't know how painful it is to move on from someone that you still care about. They try to ruin you master plan on finding someone else, or even they try to make that awkward tension. 

Those people don't have any feelings. If they said that they've been there, done that, then why aren't they supporting you? It doesn't make sense really, if they're someone close to you, a friend, why on earth would they be against you instead! 

Society these days.

Those people who quoted, I'll keep my head held high when someone tries to bring me down, 

actually is doing the opposite of it. I mean just think about it. They're holding their head up high because someone is trying to bring them down, and yet they bring someone else down.

Revenge sometimes isn't the best way to deal with the pain. Talking it with them is better, trust me. Settle it down, have a talk about it. Don't just bash them because you want them to feel the pain you're feeling. Make them feel it through words, not actions. Your own words, not others. Your confession about the whole situation.

~

Songs

I'm sorry if I say I need you

But I don't care

I'm not scared of love

Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker

Is that so wrong?

Cause I need you to keep me from falling apart

Cause you make me strong

~Strong (One Direction)~

***

I'm under pressure

Cause I can't have you 

The way that I want

Let's just go back to the way it was

When we were on 

Honeymoon Avenue

What happened to the butterflies

Guess they encountered that stop sign

And my heart is at a yellow light

And right when I think that we found it

That's when we start turning around

They say only fools fall in love

They must have been talking about us

Sometimes I feel like we've ever been here before

We're going to be lost 

If we continue to fight

Let's just go back to the way it was

~Honeymoon Avenue (Ariana Grande)~

***

You are the song in me that I can't ignore

You are the simple things that I adore

You are the story line

The hidden theme

Its you who have stolen my heart

And my weaknesses, you're strongest part

I could write a million song to say how I feel

Cause I felt it from you

I'll tell the whole world

To tell that you are everything that I've ever dreamed

You're my how's and when's

You're my perfect alibi 

And I hope you feel it too

When I say that I need you

~You're Mine (Maybe Next Summer)~

***

You & I

We don't wanna be like them

We can make it till the end

Nothing can come between

You & I

I figure it out

So the mistakes of up and down

There's always room for common ground

Cause they see it in different light

~ You & I (One Direction)~

***

And I know its long gone

And that magic's not here no more

And I might be ok

But I'm not fine at all

Photo album on the counter

Your cheeks were turning red

You used to be little kids with glasses in a twin sized bed

And your mother's telling stories about you in a tee ball team

You tell me about your past thinking your future was me

We got lost in translation

Maybe I asked for too much

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

Till you tore it all up

Running scared I was there

I remember it all too well

You call me up again just to break me like a promise

So casually cruel in the name of being honest

Cause I remember it all too well

Time wont flies its like I'm paralyzed by it

I'd like to be myself again 

But I'm still trying to find

Now you mail back my things

And I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf

From that very first week

Cause it reminds you of innocence 

Because you remember it all too well

It was rare 

I was there

I remember it

All too well

~ All Too Well (Taylor Swift)~

Her Life

All she wanted was the comfort of her loved one, but unfortunately he left her dumb-founded. She didn't know why, but she all she could do is to accept it even though it broke her heart into tiny pieces. She tried to find out the reason, as curiosity got to her, and when she did, it broke her heart even more. If that's even possible. 

Now, she admits that she has moved on, but deep somewhere inside her hear, she hasn't. She still loves him with all her heart. However, she doesn't want to reveal it, because she wants to move forward even though her heart disagree with her decision. She doesn't know what to do or even feel, when there are rumors that he likes another girl. She wants to feel normal and yet, she doesn't want to feel jealous of the lucky girl. 

Especially when the lucky girl is her best friend. 

She can't control her hormones either and to her that's a sign which means that she isn't ready yet for another relationship.Despite it all, she's still a teenager with unstable hormones and she can like any guy in a minute. She doesn't want to look like a slut in front of everybody, but she just can't help it when a guy compliments her and she feels so happy. As if she has a crush on him.

Her life still hasn't reach its peak and yet she has trouble finding her true passion behind God's gift on giving her another day to breathe and have another day to spend. She's waiting dearly for that true reason, she wonders, how long it will take her. 

Will she ever find it and grow up?

or

Will she stick to her childish mind?

~

Things That We Tend To Forget

Sometimes in life, we tend to forget things that were supposed to be a huge part of our life. Our goals and dreams for instance. We left them behind because maybe, we were occupied by something else that built strong walls of distractions. Like love, we tend to forget who we really love among the entire eligible person out there, our one and only true match, the missing puzzle piece. Instead of having a good relationship, we eventually were forced to love someone who didn't really matter in our life, because in time we realized that we've picked the wrong shoes. We tried to give them back, if we’re lucky enough we might just have the chance to try on a pair of new shoes, but what if we’re not? Simply, we’re stuck using the old same boring shoes. Other than love, our occupation and education can be an example. You spent all your time back in the days, playing games or throwing a party for fun. When actually, you were supposed to study for your tests, which is an important asset for your future. Who knew that one failing test can change your future.

There are more examples which we can take from our daily life. But, how can we figure it out one by one? How can we know when we’re actually forgetting those important things in life? Simply, take a look of yourself on the mirror and think about what you've done that week. If you did something bad, then try to redeem it by doing something nice. If you've picked the wrong date, then be honest about it, or maybe talk about it with your partner. If it’s about your grades, then set a higher goal for the next few ones, that way you can redeem yourself later on.

Being honest is one simply way to solve or maybe even just avoiding it.

I know it’s hard but you’ll get through it, you just have to believe in yourself. 

Depression

Who knew that depression can get to me?
I never knew that all of this can happen to be honest.

Sometimes I'll look at myself in the mirror. How far I've changed and how different I am mentally. I never wanted this to happen, but I guess the teenage hormones get to me, now look at me.

I get pissed whenever I can't do anything right, like I have to be perfect. Why? Because I feel so worthless right now, that if I make a single mistake I'll just tear up the whole word, the entire universe even.

Basically, in my head, all I can think about are negative thoughts, they're starting to eat me up. They're making me insane every minute, every second.

I can't stop listening to sad songs or even motivation songs, just trying to get my groove you know. I'm trying to get back on my feet, staying away from sharp objects that I can use to cut my skin over.

I can't say that I'm addicted to cutting or anything, but it just feels right. I know that you can't understand because you might not get through what I'm going through at the moment.

This is because of a broken heart but now it's something more. I don't care about the guy anymore, I just care about his reason on breaking up on me. I'm really pathetic.

Cutting

Cutting.

Self-harm.

Suicide. 

Those 3 things connect to each other. They're all caused because of depression or stress. You can never know what hides under that cheery smile. Fake smile.

No one really care what's inside, they only care about how you feel at the moment, at that day. The rest? They don't give a shit. 

It's ok if you cut, once or twice. Or even for days. But please consider it. I've cut before and to be completely honest, it felt great. I felt the satisfaction of feeling other pain than the depression or stress. Trust me. 

However, I also want to say that it disappoint me. I thought I was that strong and that I could resist those kind of things, but I wasn't. I was weak, fragile, and ready to explode any moment. Eventually I did. 

Revenge

Revenge.

Everybody craves for it.
Everyone definitely ever thought about it.
Doesn't matter how horrible it is, you just want to do it.
To make you feel satisfied.
No more pain in your heart.
You're free like a bird.

 This pain that you've felt for months,
You're tired of it.
You want to get rid of it.
But you can't.
You won't feel satisfied entirely.
Revenge,
Came up on your mind,
And you thought that it was the best thing to do.

No.
You're wrong.
There are other ways to solve this pain.
Talk about it DIRECTLY to the person that's been causing you pain.
Not, by making that person feel the same pain you feel.
That's just heartless, cruel, shame.
You didn't think of that did you?

Karma.
It does exist,
It just hasn't bully you yet.
Once it does, you're gonna regret everything you'd done.

The Past.
You can't forget it,
Heck you're crying about it.
STOP.
If you're letting the past get to you,
Then how will you live forward.
Look for the future & forget about the past.

Pain.
I know it's painful.
I KNOW how you feel.
Trust me. I do. 
The problem is, you won't listen to me.
Just try to shut your mouth,
Shut your feelings
And listen to me.

Evil.
All this pain, trust me it's making you become an evil human being.
You're furious, but it's because of yourself.
Control it.
Only you, yourself that can make you furious more than others can do.